It’s almost here. We are only days away from the Game of National League North as Blyth Spartans take on Hereford FC. Can our marauding band take on the northerners complete with strange tongues, and return from the barbarians with a vital horde of three precious points?
A call for brave men (and women) to take the Black and White to Blyth on Saturday, 26 January.
There can only be one King of the North. Only one will sit atop the Points Thrones to rule them all in this new, wild and unsophisticated region that Bulls Watch now enter. It is known that many in this strange land feast upon unspeakable salted pork, frogs or the madness-inducing Bowl of Brown. Northerners speak in strange tongues, a dialect so barbarian as to require sub-titles as was witnessed in August. None more than in the mysterious lands North of the Wall.
For Clan Hereford to take the points Throne, they must trek North of the Wall in darkest January, to a mysterious settlement, known only as Blyth. For time unknown, Adrian’s Wall, named in tribute to a fearsome and venerable Hereford FC programme seller, kept the North safe from wilding red-headed men in skirts and the ball-dropping Scottish goalkeepers tribe.
Clan Hereford must conquer the Spartans of Blyth. In an epic journey, gallant volunteers of the Bulls Watch must first trek far and long to the end of the kingdom. Wallsend Fort on the East edge of what is called Adrian’s Wall is the last bastion of civilisation. There, the iron horse ends and the remaining Leagues to Blyth must be completed on Bullback, armed only with scarves, banded shirts and hot mulled wine. Poor fare indeed in the Land of Always Winter.
There will be many dangers in this alien land beyond the wit and wisdom of the soothsayers of Radio Hereford FC. Winter is coming. But Lord Commander Richards must always be protected.
Beware the fabled White Walkers. It is known that pale white men called Dan Walker will walk. A lot. Know them by their cloth caps and lack of goals. Also beware men with toasters on their heads.
There will be Dragons. Monstrous dragons. More ancient and getting by on even worse food than that seen at Hereford’s own Green Dragon. They seek points from unwary travellers.
There will be enormous rotating sword blades near water and hills. These are the fabled “wind turbines” and should never be tilted at.
Daylight is always short North of the Wall. The Bulls Watch must camp where they may and seek to catch their own food to sustain their long march. A dragon sneeze incinerated the last McDonalds.
Should Bulls Watch survive these hazards, they must attack the Spartans settlement known as Croft Park. Within these draughty corrugated walls are the fabled Spartan treasure, known only as “three points”. Such treasures are invisible to mere men, only Richard’s Kings Guard may see and fight for them. The men of Bulls Watch must distract the Spartans by drinking their “Newky Broon” (reputed to be even worse-tasting than Bowl of Brown) and sharing lurid sub-titled warrior tales of bared buttocks at Butthole Lane. Or the battle of Didcot, even to this day vaguely remembered by the CPS tribe.
Only when the points rest on our horns, may Bulls Watch make for the safety of Wallsend fort. You win or you die. En route, they must defend their points against Dan Walkers pleading for contracts and Spartans complaining about offside. This too is a perilous journey and only the bravest members of Bulls Watch will return. Hail the new Kings of the North!
Simon Wright
